This has been an odd week for me, kind of a time-out-of-time, or almost suspended animation. You know those special effects in movies when the whole world freezes and the hero or heroine moves through the frozen tableau? It feels like that a little bit. On Monday I begin a new job; one I have been very excited about, but the month long notice and full court press (including heavy, heavy guilt trips) from my current employer to convince me to stay has taken some of the shine off of the expectation and high hopes. In fact, I am feeling rather melancholy this week.
The two “big kids” (I can’t believe they still let me get away with calling them that. B, the oldest is 19 and C is a senior in high school and will be 18 in less than a month.) are in Kentucky with friends on a farm – how fun that must be? The girls are staying in the Carriage House and B is staying the main house with the other adults. So, it’s just the “little one” S (15, I know, I know, not so little. In fact she is taller than I am…), me and Leah Maya the dog. For a house that is usually bursting with teenagers it has been too quite for me to be comfortable. Tonight S has some friends over and Guitar Hero is rattling the windows and all is right with the world.
We went to the grocery store and bought junk food and then signed up at Blockbuster for the first time in years and years. Sam and I sat on the couch feeding Leah Fritos and watching the Nanny Diaries which I had read and Sam had listened to. It was good. Then Leah and I took a walk – cold, but dry and so, so beautiful. Look at the great colors of fallen leaves and green moss layered with snow! 
We hadn’t been back in the house for more than five minutes when the snow started coming down. I stood on my porch and watched it snow and felt… okay. But I am still suspended in time and not sure how to break out of this bubble.
I know that I am lonely. It’s the holidays and I have no sweet man to share it with. And I am leaving some really great friends when I leave my job. And my grandmother passed away only a couple of months ago. And my kids are growing up… ah me. I am clearly feeling sorry for myself. How unattractive and destructive!
So, I will share these pictures here, pour a glass of red wine and watch last night’s Private Practice. Oh! And it’s time for wishes and dreams and goals and … a list of guilty pleasures! And Jennifer Crusie’s List of Indulgences! Lots to think about and lists to make… I am feeling better already! Where is that new moleskine…?
